Have you ever come home from a long, tiring, frustrating day at work to find dirty dishes and messy counters all over the kitchen? Maybe stinky trash too? What's the first thing that comes to mind? WHY??? "Why am I the only one who sees the need to clean this mess up?" "Why am I the only one who EVER does dishes around here?" " No one ever just does the dishes on their own!" Do these questions and statements sound familiar? Rest at ease. These questions and statements are key to you gaining insight as to how you are really feeling. When we use words like ever, never, always, only, no one, forever, these are indicators that we are overwhelmed. You can do something about that! Let's play this scenario out a little further... Say you get home and witness this scene, but don't say anything. You hold in the layers of frustration and fatigue so when you come in contact with other family members you are frosty (silent treatment), salty (sarcastic or passively aggressive) or snappy (yells, cutting remarks). You know what I mean; "Honey how was your day?" you: "Fine."- and you go to your room and shut the door - stonewall; "It would be nice if you guys got up from the couch for once and actually cleaned." - salty; "Hey! Get your lazy butts up and get in here. I'm not cleaning all your mess up again. What's wrong with you?" - snappy. In return, your family members avoid you, defend themselves to you or fight back. Are any of these communication styles bringing peace into your life? Are you feeling the love from your family? Peace Thieves Nothing has more worth than your peace. Peace is a gift from our Savior. Guard it well. John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." There are people, institutions, society and personal habits that will try to tempt you to give your peace to them. Don't fall for it. Don't do it. Social media is ripe with peace thieves from the polarizing PC and political crap, to arguments within the comment section of a post on a friend's wall - leave it alone! Friends who are full of one sided drama and are incapable of compassion towards your needs - peace thief. Bosses who demand and demand with no concern for your personal time, health, nor family - peace thief. Living under a pile of debt because you cannot get yourself to make a budget - peace thief! See those things for what they really are - peace thieves. Seek for uplifting, relaxing, encouraging information and actions to soothe your already over stimulated mind. Guard what you allow to enter your body. I have never watched any of the classic horror movies. I know I have a tendency to absorb feelings and emotions and even though it's make believe, that stuff seeps into my subconscious and messes with me. I do not put into my mind. Period. I guard what I know I need. Your inner peace evolves from having boundaries around key elements of your life such as social relationships, finances, health, spirituality, family life and career. When any one of these areas gets out of wack, your peace is in jeopardy. Like a car with four tires, if one of the tires is deflated, even though the other three are fully functioning, the car isn't going anywhere efficiently nor safely. No one can guard the gate to your peace like you can...or can you? Do you need help setting boundaries? Do you find yourself taking on more and more, then feeling utterly exhausted and frazzled? Do you have a hard time saying no to people? Do you feel like a door mat sometimes? Do you have a tendency to hold onto grudges? Do you have a hard time with forgiveness? Are you easily offended? What happens after years and years of these patterns? What toll do they take from your years on this earth? Your happiness? Snapping Turtle At some point, something is going to give. When feelings of not being enough, or low self worth persist, those feelings bleed into every other area of life and causes all the key elements to get out of wack. Going back to the scenario of stonewalling, being salty or snappy, these reactions aren't you, they are indicators of what is going on behind the scenes in your emotional world. These actions are cries for help, but who wants to cozy up next to the snapping turtle? First of all it's okay. You have permission to be frustrated, frazzled, disappointed, sad, whatever you need to feel. Allow yourself to feel it. Ask yourself, "Would I have been so snappy if: I were getting more sleep?; If I could get home from work at an acceptable time because I want to be with my family?; If I didn't have 5 projects I committed to and don't know why?; If I could talk to my partner and they really listened without trying to fix me?". I could go on and on and I'm sure you probably came up with a few of your own. That's good! Allow yourself to brainstorm what is out of wack in the five key elements and then you can ways to heal the holes in those areas. Healing the Holes By small and simple means you can repair hurts, mistakes, failures and whatever else you need. Repairing the out of wack areas could look like meal planning so that you're not spending $60 per week on lunch and instead can pay down a credit card that is stressing you. It could look like finding gratitude for the small things even though you feel life has slighted you. It could look like getting that health check up you've been putting off for three years because you're are afraid of what the doctor will tell you. It could look like setting your alarm clock for 6:30am and getting up at 6:30am instead of setting your alarm for 5:45am and hitting snooze until 7:00am then rushing to get to work, still feeling tired. It could look like sitting your family down and explaining you need their help with the dishes and HOW their help affects you. Leave out the guilt or negative comments, simply uplift and encourage. I imagine your family loves you and wants to know how to help, but they also want to feel what they do matters and is appreciated. Setting boundaries is a bigger issue which involves long held beliefs about yourself. This may take some time processing with a therapist, journaling, pondering or speaking with another trusted person in your life. Boundaries are good. They are necessary for safety. You can do it, I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself. You wouldn't just start driving, willy nilly, on any side of the road to get to where you need to go. You follow the boundaries of the lanes. They keep you from crashing into oncoming traffic. They keep you safe. Such is setting personal and professional boundaries. Boundaries help you from feeling overwhelmed. Boundaries help you make decisions from a clear, confident mind. Boundaries help you have order in your life. Be the gatekeeper of your peace. No one can repay the price of your peace. Foster your peace, nurture your peace, protect your peace, and you will have peace.
Sometimes the road looks long, difficult or impossible. I am sure you've heard "it's not the destination, it's the journey" but how do we feel good when we're not where we want to be? One word...Progress. It is all about moving forward, towards our goals, towards our dreams and towards a better self. The truth is that you'll never really arrive. No matter what you've achieved and who you've become, you can do and become more. This can be disheartening or it can be exciting, depending on your perspective. Remember, we don't know how long we have on this earth. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We don't know the struggles or blessings coming our way. However, I am certain that when I am taking action towards my passions, goals and sincere desires I feel alive and hopeful. I also know that my clients say the same thing. We don't need to arrive, we just need a vision of what our life can look like and then start taking massive action towards making it happen. Then, as the obstacles come, stay steadfast, measure results, make adjustments and keep taking massive action. This is the best way to grow, inspire those around you and discover just how strong, smart and courageous you can be. I know you can do it. I believe in the power of people. I believe in their strength. I believe in their will. I believe in their courage. I believe in me and I believe in you. Unfortunately, how much I believe in you matters little. I might encourage and inspire, but you need to believe in you. You need to know that you can do hard things. You can dream big, make a plan and take massive action. You can handle the obstacles, the nay sayers and the doubts. Take a step today. Move forward. Don't wait. You will never regret an effort that didn't quite work, but you will regret not trying. Want to lose weight? Start a business? Change careers? Go to school? Start a non-profit? Feed the world? Inspire your family? You can. In fact, if you have a desire there is a reason. Who you become and how you serve the world, may be just what someone else needs. You might be the answer to someone's prayer. So take that first step. Actually, get a running start and move with purpose. If it doesn't work, change what you're doing, but don't stop. You're worth it and the people you care about are worth it. Inspire your spouse, family, kids and friends, by becoming more. It's not too late. Just make progress and you'll realize that your dream is still possible. You are possible. If you feel stuck, and not sure why, come see one of our therapists or get a coach or mentor. A therapist, coach or mentor can help you figure out and destroy the limiting belief that is slowing you down or keeps you from making progress. Then, watch out world, because here comes progress.
If left unchecked, habits can run our lives in directions we did not intend to go. Self talk, comparison and auto pilot living are three of the harmful habits that can be corrected to live a life of intention, peace and integrity.
Choosing a therapist can be a bit of a challenge. You want someone who pushes you, but is not a jerk. You want someone who shows compassion, but doesn't allow you to settle. You want someone who understands, but isn't just a "yes" man or woman. You want someone who gets you to open up, inspires you to move forward and helps you find more peace. At least, those are the things I appreciate in a therapist. Truth is, I don't know what you need or want in a therapist. For this reason, I constantly ask my clients about our sessions and if they feel they are making progress on their stated goals for therapy. Some therapists may not ask, because they are worried about your answer. I really want to know. I think it's important that I don't assume to know my clients. I don't know what's best for you. I don't know what's going on in your head, unless you tell me. Even if we have had similar experiences or backgrounds, I don't know what it's like to be you. But...I am willing to listen and have you teach me and as I learn what it's like to be you, maybe I can share some insights, new ways to conceptualize events/ideas, or new ways to approach challenges. It is my deep desire to find a way to be helpful. It is my deep desire to grow from our sessions and inspire you to grow too. After all, life is really about growing and giving. I enjoy therapy for the opportunity it provides to for growth and giving. It is less of a job and more my life mission to have a positive impact while I continue to learn and become a better man, husband, father, brother, child and friend. I am honored when a family, couple or individual decides I'm the "right" therapist for them. However, when I'm not the best fit. I am not offended. How could I be the "right" therapist for everyone? My suggestion, have open conversations with your therapist. Is this working? If not, how can we make it work? And, sometimes it just time to move on and find a better fit. If your therapist has a problem with that it's just another indication that they are not the therapist for you.
The incidence of depression in our society seems to be on the rise. Recent estimates suggest that as many as one in three of us will experience some form of depression within our lifetimes. Others claim that depression may even represent a symptom of our times which are characterized by alienation, lack of strong community bonds, and hopeless economic situations. It is normal to feel sad and experience down days. Most people go through normal periods of feeling dispirited, especially after they experience a loss or any other period of stress. But what specialists call Clinical Depression is different from just being “down in the dumps.” The main difference is that the sad or empty mood does not go away after a couple of weeks – and everyday activities like eating, sleeping, socializing, or working can be affected. People who experience depression describe it as agonizing pain that cannot be shaken and seems to have no end in sight. They feel trapped and talk about having a dark, empty pit in their chest or stomach that cannot be filled. Some depressed people suffer so much that they may even contemplate suicide. Virtually all people with depression complain about reduced energy, reduced concentration, and the inability to complete projects. About eighty percent of depressed people say they have trouble sleeping, with frequent night-time awakening during which they worry and feel stressed. Moreover, people with depression might also over-sleep. Sufferers of this disorder report that they have had either an increase or a decrease in their appetite, sometimes accompanied by weight gain or loss. If you or a loved one is experiencing some level of depression, feel free to reach out to us at Intentional Life Therapy & Wellness. We love to serve. You may reach us at 512-986-7778 or at info@intentionallifetherapy.com . The information on this website is intended to offer general information only. We recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines and concepts. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.
Anxiety is about feeling unsafe. It can range from mild feelings of vulnerability to a wrenching whole body panic experience. “Normal” anxiety involves a perceived sense of danger and physical arousal to prepare for coping with the danger – fight or flight. The eyes dilate, adrenaline pours in, the heart beats faster, the body tenses. When the danger is over, the fear subsides and the body returns to normal. In modern life, however, people get stuck in a constant state of worry and fear. There are so many threats, real or imagined. Can I keep my job? Will I have enough money? Can I make it on my own? Will I be loved? What if I’m alone? When will something really bad happen? What if I'm not good enough? Sometimes these worries and fears become overwhelming. They stop us from living the full and complete lives that we would like to be living. When anxiety gets to this point it is important to find a way to gain control of the problem. The most common anxiety problems are: Generalized Anxiety Disorder GAD is about constant worrying about everything. The constant worrying gives a sense of control. It feels like we have a “handle” on things if we are always alert and checking for danger. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder OCD involves checking and double checking in a number of ways; or believing certain behaviors like washing, counting, hoarding or cleaning will make us or those we care about safe. Phobias involve being afraid of specific things like dogs, crowds, water, freeways, etc. We withdraw from these things because we believe staying away will make us feel safe. Staying away stops the immediate anxiety but it impacts our freedom to participate in life. Social Anxiety appears because we anticipate rejection and/or humiliation in the company of others. Panic Disorder involves having multiple panic attacks. These attacks come at you out of the blue, and the first time it happens it makes you think you are having a heart attack or going crazy. You are terrified something dreadful is happening in your body. Of all the anxiety disorders, Panic Attacks are the clearest personal proof that anxiety has a grip on your thoughts, your brain, and your body. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when our warning system is overwhelmed with trauma. The symptoms include troubling thoughts and flashbacks, feelings of being outside the body, disconnection, numbing, and intense irritability. These problems can keep you blocked from feeling normal and engaged in life. If you or a loved one is dealing with anxiety, please feel free to reach out to us at Intentional Life Therapy & Wellness. We love to serve. You can reach us at 512-986-7778 or at info@intentionallifetherapy.com . The information on this website is intended to offer general information only. We recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines and concepts. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.
How does the "only child" transition into adulthood? I speak only from my personal perspective.
Welcome to my blog The Flawed Therapist. I named myself The Flawed Therapist because although my life has been very good, I've also really messed up, had some major sucker punches to the gut, and needed to make corrections on several levels. I'll talk about these learning opportunities periodically to share in the struggle, offer hope, shed some light and wisdom gained, and partially as a release for me. I'm still struggling, healing and growing. I don't think I'll ever stop. This struggle is part of what I believe to be my divine purpose in life. I believe Heavenly Father explained these conditions to me (all of us) before coming to earth and I agreed to do it knowing the greater purpose- to become like our Heavenly Parents. Read about the ancient art of Japanese kintsugi, it's a long, tedious process but the end result is flawed beauty. (Kintsugi bowl in picture. www.focusnewspaper.com) "You're a professional, you must have your act together." I'd like to think so...not always, not totally, NOPE. I think we tend to look to people with a professional title and have an expectation of them having their personal life, marriage, 401K, family relationships and all hopes and dreams all lined out for years to come. We tend to want to put people on pedestals. We want to believe the people taking care of us have it more together than we do. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry tells the lady at the car rental agency, "You know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation." People may be really good at what they do for a living but behind the scenes may be a totally different story. A story of heart break, broken dreams, unresolved hurt, anger, bitterness, unresolved failure (future topic). I have a friend, who allowed me to share part of her story. "Daisy" is a gifted healer, works wonders for people in her care. However, there are days when her depression will not allow her to get up and go. The work she does leaves her weakened so she has to pace herself. Her body fights against itself leaving her in pain and agony. She may shut down for a period of time for needed self care. I know all this and I still trust her to care for me even though one could say she cannot heal herself. We don't have to have to be the epitome of health, vigor and "got it togetherness" to have the capacity and capability to help others. Sometimes the act of helping others helps us in ways we may not fathom. MY story - "How I came to be a Marriage and Family Therapist" I didn't grow up wanting to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I wanted to be a fertility specialist. I wanted to help couples. I guess in that sense, I'm still living the dream. I started out as a pre-med student but I was arrogant and unprepared. I graduated (fled) a year early from high school with a chip on my shoulder. I didn't listen when my parents wisely suggested I start out at the local college while I got used to the college life. Nope, I high tailed it out to Brigham Young University to see what I could be. I still cringe at my arrogance. I quickly learned that independent life was amazingly fun and began my reality life check (I'll recount that story another time). After a couple years I came back to Texas and went to that local college my parents suggested in the first place. I continued my premed courses and I loved EVERY course I took. My mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be as long as I was willing to work for it. I joke that she wasn't factoring in organic chemistry...or the fact I got pregnant. Even pregnant I kept chasing my goal. I made my biology professor so nervous he'd avoid me, or maybe my belly repulsed him, either way I thought it was funny watching him intentionally go down a different isle when he saw me coming. After my daughter was born I tried to keep going, but I felt dumb and dumber, not because I had a baby, but because I just didn't feel smart enough. I stopped. I was deflated. But my love for the work didn't die. To this day I get excited hearing about how the body and mind works. Two years later and a divorce, with prayer and guidance from my parents (Look who's listening to her parents now!) I decided to switch to Family Science and Human Development. I enjoyed learning about family systems. I also enjoyed staring at my human sexuality instructor (story for later). After graduation I was accepted into the PhD program in Marriage and Family Therapy at Texas Tech University. Well, I married that human sexuality instructor, had our second child and graduated with my Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I didn't finish my PhD. I wanted to go back to medical school. I felt I had the strength and stamina to try again. I loved it. I picked up where I started, struggling in class but loving every minute. As I spent more and more time away from my little family, I realized I was going to have to make a choice. I would either be the mom I wanted to be or I would be a doctor. I felt I could not do both, nor be good at both. I always wanted to have 4 children because I was an only child and I swore I would not do that to my kids, and 3 is not fair because of middle child issues (my thought process at the time). I decided to put the dream of becoming a fertility specialist down so that I could have the family I wanted to have. I honestly thought, "After the kids grow up I can go back to school." (mmm hmmm). My husband was very supportive and would have helped me had I decided to continue, but I drew the line. I made the decision and I have not regretted that decision. Being mom is the most important role I will ever hold, second only to being a loyal wife and daughter of God. Together, Shayne and I have carved out a life where we can have flexibility to be present parents, contributors to the community and help individuals and families in need. It came at a cost, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Do we have our ducks all lined in a row? Oh we have the ducks, the chickens because eggs, the cows because milk and you need graham crackers to dip in the milk and oh we like cheese, know what goes with cheese? POPCORN! Yep, all lined out... Perfectly Flawed I remember blindly giving power to people in my life because of their title...or they looked like they had it together. I didn't think that maybe the person in front of me had an addiction they were battling, mental health issues that would keep them from work at times, or a marriage on the brink of divorce, all while sitting in front of me, serving me. I just trusted. I assumed. I didn't consider the personal struggle, grit nor sacrifice that person had to endure or continued to endure to get to where they were. For the time being, I had neatly placed them on a pedestal and there they sat. I have even been guilty of putting myself on a pedestal (humility, another topic for later). The syndrome of "I'll make my life look so good, no one will ever guess what's really going on in my mind or heart." - that's one facade that cannot last long. No amount of icing can keep a crumbling cake together. Bottom line. I'm in the human race of trying to improve myself while gaining traction in my career, family, personal goals and spiritual goals. I've taken some pretty hard knocks in life. I've brought some things on myself while other times I didn't see it coming. Through it all, I feel I've gained insight, wisdom, humility and increased love for my fellow brothers and sisters. I genuinely want to be of service and that service is all I have to offer. I'm opinionated, I study, I ponder, I ask questions, I attend seminars, I am a perpetual student, I create and I am a steadfast leader. I do all I can so at the end of the day I can lay my head down with thanksgiving for a productive day. Honestly, some days I'm just giving thanks that we have groceries in the fridge, we all love each other and I didn't mess up any client schedules. Some days I stare at the computer or distract myself from doing what's most important - the scary thing. Some days I kick ass and take names (I like those days). I'm a work in progress, and yes, I CAN and DO help others. That's The Flawed Therapist life.